


and we'll always have tomorrow

by romanreigning



Series: there will be better days [2]
Category: World Wrestling Entertainment
Genre: - in case you hadn't noticed -, Angst, But it ends okay, Implied/Referenced Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, M/M, Misunderstandings, Using Music To Cope, Video Calling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-26
Updated: 2016-11-26
Packaged: 2018-09-02 08:18:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8659540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/romanreigning/pseuds/romanreigning
Summary: dean catches roman singing a song when he thought no one could hear him, and it brings back some bad memories





	

**Author's Note:**

> this wasn't supposed to be so long, but my writing's been kinda fucked up lately, so here's some angst to ruin your day

It's at that moment he realizes Roman's exited the window without ending the call, and he can still see him even if Roman can't, so he grins slyly and doesn't close his end either, content to just watch Roman do his thing. It's not any different from what they usually do right? Mutually ignoring each other's presence and occasionally talking? Plus, it's not like he's gonna do it for long. He's getting tired, and by the unhidden yawn that comes across Roman, he guesses it's mutual.

It takes all he was not to yawn as well, trying desperately to make not even a single sound. Roman's face is lit up in the harsh light radiating off the screen, and Dean hears the pitter-patter of the keyboard, so he's typing something, but Dean doesn't know what. He kinda wishes he could see Roman's screen. See what he gets up to, that sorta thing.

But he can't so he settles on just looking at Roman's face, hair making a rare loose appearance, and expression unguarded. Dean knows he's always self-conscious of how he looks on the webcam and in real life, and it's kinda, nice, to see him like this. Slight double-chin and all. It's actually kind of adorable, but Roman'd be mortified if he found out Dean is seeing this.

A slight twinge of guilt settles in his gut at that, the thought that he's doing something Roman would definitely not be okay with. One more minute, he tells himself, attention taken out of his thoughts by a loud sigh from Roman, followed up by him tilting his head back until it couldn't go any further, and Dean took a moment to appreciate the sight of his neck, so vulnerable.

He moves again, so quick it almost startles Dean, and fiddles with something off-camera that isn't the computer. Dean's about to call it a night before he hears something, the beginning of a song that starts off with a guitar and then - oh, Roman's singing.

_"My legs are dangling off the edge, the bottom of the bottle is my only friend, I think I'll slit my wrists again and I'm gone, gone gone, gone."_

He's too shocked by the fact that this is the first time he's heard Roman sing (and he's _good_ at it, too) to notice the lyrics, but when he does, he thinks his heart skips a beat.

_"My legs are dangling off the edge, a stomach full of pills didn't work again, I'll put a bullet in my head and I'm gone, gone, gone, gone."_

Dean's mouth might fall open a little in disbelief, because not even a year ago, those lyrics might've been things Roman had said to himself, and the thought strikes him right in the chest.

His breathing picks up as he looks at Roman's face, watching his mouth move around the words, not missing a beat as the song changes parts and a different singer takes over, and as the lyrics go on and on, Dean's pretty sure tears are beginning to well up behind his own eyes.

But . . . he - he thought Roman was fine now. He thought that those days were behind him. He had a job now, he was such a different person than he was back . . . then.

_"We hit the sky, there goes the light, no more sun, why's it always night? When you can't sleep, well, you can't dream, when you can't dream, well, what's life mean?"_

Roman's voice stays unwavering, but as he looks back towards the computer screen, his face still victim to the harsh light, Dean sees tears at the brim of his eyes, and he has clamp a hand over his mouth to stop himself from making a noise.

_"When you were young, you never thought you'd die, found that you could but too scared to try, you looked in the mirror and you said goodbye, climb to the roof to see if you could fly."_

Roman had stopped singing before the verse, instead just staring off to the side as Dean swears he sees his lip tremble once or twice as a tear slides down his cheek and falls clean off. This time he can't contain his noise as a sob escapes him.

All this time, Roman hasn't been better? Well, he isn't suicidal anymore (as far as Dean knows), but he always told Roman if he needed to talk he could, yet here he is singing about killing himself and eating pills and-

"Dean?"

Roman's small, shaky voice rips him away from his own grief, and he opens the eyes he didn't even realize were closed, finding Roman staring at the screen, his end now eerily silent. So apparently, he's not good at being quiet.

"Y-you didn't hang up," he stutters out like that explains everything, just barely managing to not start crying, face red. Roman looks half embarrassed and half mortified, wiping his own tears away.

"Dude, it's okay, I'm fine," Roman says quickly, understanding the situation. "I'm okay."

Somewhere, in Dean's mind, he remembers a different, younger version of Roman sobbing that to him, as his hands shook violently and his legs were so weak from panic he couldn't stand. And somewhere in Dean's mind, a trigger is pulled, and all of words gush out at once, along with a cascade of tears.

"You just fuckin'- you just start singing about killin' yourself and slitting your wrists and you assume I'm going to think you're fine?" he exclaims, but there's no heat behind it. "Rome I'm fuckin' shaking over here, I thought - I thought you meant it-" and then he loses the battle, words trailing off into undignified sobs as Roman's end stays achingly silent through it.

And he stays silent until Dean calms down, until his sobs lessen to loud sniffles, until he finally looks up at the webcam with his red ringed eyes and runny nose, mouth trying to form words that get lost on the expanse of his tongue.

"I'm not that person anymore," Roman says quietly, slowly, like he's trying so hard to hold his own tears back. "It's just a song Dean, it's just a song, it's how I cope, it's how I feel better," he adds.

Despite the information, Dean can't get rid of the pounding ache he feels in his chest, being forced to remember the feelings of such raw emotion and grief he'd felt not so long ago. It almost feels like it did the first time, like it did that night, and he hates it, hates it so much, wants it gone, but it's lodged itself in his chest tooth and claw and won't leave.

Instead of replying, he's forced back into tears.

_"I don't wanna lose you."_

It's torn out of his throat between sobs, and he has his eyes open long enough to see Roman's face contort at the words, before, slowly, Roman's sobs join his own.

They've done a lot of things together on video call, some maybe not so PG, some so innocent you could show it to a group of toddlers, but they've never ever done this, cried together while it was the dead of night and they weren't physically with each other. Dean's always had Roman in his arms in times like this, and vice versa, maybe more times vice versa, but nonetheless, they've always, always been there physically, and the loss of that is a new pain all in itself.

The muffled sound of Roman through the speaker isn't enough, his trembling lip and screwed up eyes in the bright light isn't enough and Dean just wants to smash through the screen and hug him and kiss him and hold him. 

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Roman says. "But I'm better now, okay? I've been better for ages, I'm fine," he adds as he and Dean calm down. "Because I have the greatest boyfriend, who helps me when I'm having a hard time, and understands when I need to be alone, and always knows exactly what I need." It's like another kind of dam has been broken, and he can't stop the words tumbling out of his mouth.

"He understands what situations make me uncomfortable, he treats me whenever I have a hard day, he makes me feel like the most important person alive, he stops me from making stupid decisions," his throat chokes up on that one, but he soldiers on. "And he's the best fucking person on the planet and I would do anything for him because I love him."

His breathing is audible to Dean, his speech leaving him winded, and an eternity (maybe not even a minute) passes as they just stare at each other, or, at the other's face, because looking at the webcam feels too impersonal.

"I love you, so much," Dean finally croaks out, his hands still shaky, but to a lesser extent. The smile Roman gives him in return literally could just be his mouth twitching, with how small it is, but Dean doesn't think of it as a star, he sees it as the moon.

It isn't always there, and it isn't always bright, but, he knows it always comes back, and he'd wait 'till the end of the world if he meant he got to see it one more time. 

He doesn't voice this; instead, on some other unspoken instinct, they both settle down into bed. The sight of Roman with the covers bunched up around his mouth and his big brown eyes starting to close unconsciously as Dean recites his own litany of praise for his lover is almost enough to chase away that ache in his heart, enough to drown out the bad memories and let him enjoy this new, hopeful one.

And as Roman finally falls asleep and Dean's litany trails off as he admires his boyfriend's sleeping face, and can't help but think about how lucky he is to have him.


End file.
